Redeployment is one of the most joyful times in the life of any military couple — the welcome home kiss, the first night together, the reunion of a family separated by the bonds of war for a year at a time. But after 15 months of separation, redeployment, at times, can also be trying. A soldier returns to his wife, only to discover that she’s operated perfectly for 15 months without him. A wife embraces the man she’s been dying to kiss for a year, only to discover that he seems more connected to the soldiers with whom he’s served than his own family. As these two people come together for the first time with different life experiences and different perspectives after 15 months apart, these life changes can cause misunderstanding and even conflict in the relationship.

The best medicine for marital misunderstanding and conflict is compassion and clear communication. If you can put yourself in the place of your spouse, you can better understand what he is experiencing during reintegration and can better relate to his struggles and be understanding throughout it. This will eliminate much of your and his frustration and allow you to more lovingly communicate with each other. Use the chart below to better understand what your soldier has endured over the last 15 months and how that experience might affect him after returning home. Then develop a list of ways that you can be more understanding to the changes he’s undergone. Complete this table and discuss it with your spouse before he redeploys. Ask him which everyday activities he thinks will change the most when he returns, and how that change will affect him. See the example below:

Deployment Experience or Activity	How might this activity make your spouse feel?	How would this activity make you feel?	How will this activity change when your spouse returns home?	What residual emotions or actions might carry over from this deployment experience?	How you can be patient, understanding and loving about this change? How can you help your spouse to adjust?	How can you open the lines of communication with your spouse regarding this issue?
Always being on the lookout for IEDs when driving in a Stryker	Paranoid, scared, worried, defensive, protective	Scared to death	He will drive on a road free of IEDs and will therefore no longer need to be on guard.	He might feel scared when he is driving, or become paranoid or unnecessarily defensive on the road.	I can offer to drive. I can hold my tongue when I want to be a back seat driver and instead remember the circumstances under which he drove for 15 months. I can let him know that I understand his driving concerns completely and that I love him no matter what.	I can let him know that I understand why he drives like he does, and that if he ever wants to talk about his experiences with IEDs and roadside bombs, I am available and would love to listen. But if he doesn’t, that’s totally okay, too. I’m always here. Anytime.

Michelle Cuthrell