Deployment can be very hard on a marriage. Without in-person dates and Friday night movies, some couples find it difficult to keep the spark alive. But with a little effort and some big-time brainstorming, couples can indeed enjoy romance from Indiana to Iraq.      

          The best ideas come from knowing your spouse’s love language (read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages first) and acting based on that information. In this way, you can speak his/her love language and more effectively and more passionately love your spouse from afar.

            The following are ideas (and remember, they are just that! So be creative and think up your own. These lists might just be a jumping off point for you!) appropriate for the spouse who speaks each of the following love languages (meaning that this is the way he/she feels the most loved):

If your spouse’s love language is gifts…

• Send her roses after she’s had a long day.
• Order a beautiful dress online and mail it to her with a sweet note about how you can’t wait to return to see her wear it. Special note: KNOW her size!
• Order Chinese and have it delivered to her house at the end of a long day so she doesn’t have to cook.
• Send him lots of care packages. Flat-rate boxes cost just over $8 and are your best bet for sending as much as you want for one flat rate.
• Use the extra money from deployment to save up for something your spouse has been dying to have. Purchase it, take a picture of it in your home and send the picture to your spouse. He/she will be tickled.
• Send small, cheap and handmade gifts frequently rather than large, lavish, expensive gifts occasionally. Things like a homemade picture frame with a photo of the two of you, a CD burnt with all his favorite songs and a hand-knit scarf or pair of gloves often mean more than expensive store-bought items.

If your spouse’s love language is quality time…

• Think of his/her favorite ways to spend time with you, and then make a book of homemade certificates that include coupons for “one hour of x” or “two hours of y” upon return to the States.
• Send gift certificates (homemade or store-bought) to places that the two of you can go together upon redeployment. For example, gift certificates out to eat, to the movies, to places the two of you can just be together are great expressions of love for quality time people.
• Buy him/her tickets to do things when you return that you wouldn’t normally do, but you know he/she loves. If you hate the ballet and she is a dancer, send her tickets to the Met dated for your return. If you hate football and he is a Super Bowl fan, score tickets for two to an upcoming game — even if it’s just a high school football game. It’s the thought and the TIME spent together at the activity that counts.
• Send the deployed spouse items that he can use to spend quality time with others and therefore feel loved and not lonely. Ideas include decks of cards, DVDs, board games or anything else he can do while spending time with fellow deployed friends.
• Organize surprise dates for the home-front spouse to spend quality time with others. Arrange a surprise babysitter to show up at her door and take the kids for the day while she heads to the spa with her girlfriends. Set up a surprise lunch date with an old friend — send the money ahead of time for her to take your spouse out to lunch, to a movie or just out for coffee. Anything you do that facilitates quality time with others will help her feel loved while you are gone.
• Send dates in a box. If your favorite pastimes were watching movies and eating ice cream, send DVDs and astronaut ice cream. If you used to go out to eat and dancing, send snacks in a box and a CD of all your favorite songs, and maybe even an outfit to wear the next time you get to share such an occasion. Know your spouse’s likes and dislikes and be creative.

If your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation…

• Make a list of 52 things you love most about your spouse. Each week of the deployment for all 52 weeks of the deployment (or however long this particular deployment lasts), make it a priority to send a letter addressing and explaining in depth one of the reasons on your list. Cross reasons off your list as you write about them so that you are sure not to repeat any during the deployment.
• Send e-mails whenever possible, even if you only have time to write the words “I love you.” This will mean a lot to someone whose love language is words of affirmation.
• Send handwritten letters frequently. There’s something romantic and sacred about the time a person takes to write a letter on paper instead of on the computer.
• Make homemade or computer-printed certificates affirming certain qualities of your spouse. Send her a “Best Wife Ever” award. Send him a “Hardest Working Airman” award. Make sure to reward and acknowledge the hard duties each person performs during this deployment.
• Say “thank you.” Frequently.
• Affirm your spouse in front of others. Some day it will get back to your spouse that you were raving about his skills, performance, personality or character. Hearing from third parties that your spouse affirms you is a huge way that people who speak this love language feel most cared about.
• Buy a cheap mini-recorder and record loving messages for your spouse. Send the tape, recorder and all, and start a dialogue that you can listen to over and over again, especially on hard days.
• Always say, “I love you.”
• Find creative places to tell her how much she is loved. Order a pizza to be delivered to her home and pay the delivery driver a little extra to sing her a song or write her a note on the box lid about how special she is.
• Hide love notes in secret places before deployment. Put them in his uniform pockets. Stick them in her laundry detergent. As the deployed soldier is gone, these fun little surprise reminders will keep popping up on both the warfront and the home front and constantly affirm to the other that they are thought about and loved.

If your spouse’s love language is physical touch…

• Arrange a surprise date for him/her at the spa. Although it’s not your touch, he/she will feel loved receiving that necessary physical touch from a professional.
• Send body oils, bath salts and massage lotions with sweet notes about how you can’t wait to use them on your spouse when you return.
• Send his favorite movies and promise cuddling dates during them as soon as you return.
• Sew an old bra to a pillow and spray it with your favorite perfume. It will be something familiar and cozy he can sleep with every night to remind him of home.
• Send her cuddly teddy bears to curl up with at night. Build-a-Bear is a national custom bear-building store that allows you to uniquely design a teddy bear, from the ears to the fur to the paws to the clothes, and even record a message for her to listen to when she’s lonely. It’s a way for you to send a personalized gift of physical touch to your spouse.

If your spouse’s love language is acts of service…

• Arrange for someone to pick up the kids for a day so that she can have a day to herself.
• Schedule a surprise lawn mowing or garden trimming day from afar. Receiving services like that when she’s not expecting them can make her feel thought about and loved from very far away.
• Arrange for someone to shovel the drive, haul the water, run to the dump or perform other chores you might have normally performed if you were home.
• Hire a professional housecleaner to show up at her door and surprise her while her friend takes her out to lunch.
• Take care of things for him when he is gone. Learn how to do the taxes. Figure out how to manage the finances. Take over any jobs that he or she might have normally performed and do them well so that you can serve him while he is serving others.
• Pay a military buddy to starch your spouse’s uniform, polish your spouse’s boots, clean up your spouse’s quarters or perform some other service during deployment when he/she is not expecting it.
• Make a list of all the tasks he’s ever wanted to complete but never got around to finishing before deployment. Surprise him by taking care of them, or paying someone else to take care of them, while he is gone. Send him pictures of the progress. For example, if he’s always been wanting to reorganize the garage, do it yourself and send him photos of his new workspace. If he’s always wanted to repaint the living room, do it or hire someone to do it and send him pictures of his new home. He’ll feel taken care of and served from afar.

Matt and Michelle Cuthrell (with ideas from Gary Chapman)