Chapter One: Goodbyes

1.      Deployment is difficult for everyone. Maybe you are already serving on the home front of one, or maybe you are about to. If you are in the middle of a deployment, what was the hardest aspect of saying goodbye to your spouse? What made it so difficult? How did you cope with those feelings? If you are about to deploy, what do you anticipate being the hardest aspect of saying goodbye? How are you emotionally and physically preparing for that goodbye even now?

2.      For the first few days of her own deployment, Michelle found herself in the midst of uncharacteristic depression. Depression is one response to deployment. What was your natural response to your spouse’s absence? If it’s a negative reaction, how do you combat that?

3.      At the end of Chapter One, Michelle’s husband reminds her of the growing baby in her belly. What reminders of hope did your spouse leave behind? What can you look forward to throughout this deployment to keep you going strong?

Chapter Two: Adjustment

1.      For Michelle, adjustment meant staying busy and looking forward. How do you adjust to new and challenging life situations? How do you adjust to deployment?

2.      What is the most difficult part of the adjustment period?

3.      What routines have you and your families established to maintain sanity in the absence of your deployed soldier? What routines have you dropped? Which ones were the hardest to change/add/drop? How do they affect your mood? Your children? Your feeling of stability?

4.      How do your children, if you have any, adjust to the absence of one parent? What can you do to make that adjustment easier for them?

Chapter Three: Struggle

1.      Three months after her trial began, Michelle found herself really struggling, both mentally and emotionally. How do you react to trials once the shock of the trial is over and you’ve adjusted to life with this trial as a part of it? Deployment?

2.      What kind of struggles do you face as you confront deployment?

3.      On pages 43 to 45, Michelle discusses her internal dilemma: How can she be at the same time transparent about her struggles on the home front and still be supportive of a husband at war? Is it possible to be both transparent and supportive? Does one have to trump the other? Is one value more important? How do you support your spouse while still communicating honestly with him? Do you place one value higher than the other?

4.      What is the difference between happiness and joy? Is it possible to be one without the other? How does each of them dictate your response to life challenges? Deployment?

5.      Why does it matter if you “choose joy” during deployment? How would choosing joy affect your spouse? Your family? Your community? How would it affect the way you serve your family and your country? Is there any value in choosing joy? If so, how can you personally choose joy in the midst of deployment?

6.      In order to choose joy in your life, you must know that you are serving a greater purpose. It’s very difficult to choose joy for the sake of choosing joy; you have to know that choosing joy is going to make a difference somehow. Write a life purpose statement. Memorize this purpose statement. Then analyze how choosing joy during deployment and other life challenges will help you to achieve this purpose. When life (and the military) throws challenges your way, recite this mission statement and choose joy.

Chapter Four: Solitude

1.      The American Heritage Dictionary defines “solitude” as: “ 1. The state or quality of being alone or remote from others. 2. A lonely or secluded place.” When have you experienced a period of solitude in your life? If you experienced your time of solitude during a deployment or TDY duty when your spouse was away, how did that loneliness affect you? Did it cause you to become better at your spouse? Bitter at his career choice? Do you find yourself prone to bitterness or resentment during times of solitude or loneliness? If so, how can you choose joy during those lonely times?

2.      When Michelle felt her baby kick for the very first time, she immediately felt lonely and depressed because the father of her child couldn’t experience that magic moment with her. How could Michelle have viewed this situation differently in order to stay positive and healthy for her husband?

3.      One of the traps of overcoming deployment is falling into ungratefulness. In the midst of deployment, you can convince yourself that it’s “all about me.” And when others stop to assist you, you’re drowning so deep in your own woes that you don’t take the time to appreciate their assistance. Which Teresas and Todds in your own life have you taken for granted? When have you overlooked the assistance of others and failed to be grateful for those people in your life? How can you be aware of this tendency? How can you be deliberately more grateful in the future?

4.      Who in your life needs a Todd or Teresa to encourage her, look out for her, love on her and keep her company? How can you be there for him or her during a lonely time in his life? How do you think serving and encouraging another person during your own deployment might change your perspective, if at all?

Chapter Five: Sacrifice

1.      How do you define sacrifice? What does it mean to you?

2.      The job description of a soldier includes sacrifice. How do you feel about your husband’s sacrifices? Do you take time to appreciate the sacrifices he makes? Or do you focus on your own sacrifices during his time of service?

3.      What sacrifices do you make during deployment? How do those sacrifices affect you?

4.      How can you put your life sacrifices in perspective?

5.      In Michelle’s December 23 News-Miner column on page 73, she discusses her new view of sacrifice as a means to grow closer to the character of Christ. How can you view your sacrifice during deployment as an opportunity to grow instead of a trial to endure? In what ways can you use this sacrifice to grow your character? In what ways can you use this sacrifice to help you become the person who fulfills her life purpose/mission statement, as written in Week Three?

Chapter Six: Busyness

1.      In January, Michelle used busyness to help her cope with her husband’s absence. Was this a healthy choice? Why or why not? What could she have done instead to cope with her husband’s deployment? What do you use to cope with your spouse’s absence?

2.      In the middle of her deployment, Michelle realized that she was spending her family’s hard-earned money foolishly. How do you manage the extra pay benefits during deployment? Do you have a budget? Do you stick to it? What financial traps do you fall into during the stresses of deployment? Comfort foods? Retail therapy? How can better budgeting during deployment relieve outside stress? What can you start doing today to manage your money wisely? Does it matter if you manage your money wisely?

3.      Deployment can put stress not only on you, but on your relationship with your family, your friends, your spouse and your God. On pages 84 and 85, Michelle takes out her deployment frustrations on her husband. Have you ever taken out your fears or concerns on your spouse or your friends during deployment? What happened? In retrospect, was the issue the deployment, or your stress because of it?

4.      In what ways can we objectify trials like deployment so that we don’t blame others for them? How can we prevent ourselves from breeding bitterness in the face of adversity? Is this important?

5.      In Chapter Six, Michelle and Matt take a few moments out of their day to try and help a family affected not only by the death of a loved one, but also a house fire that burned all their memories of their soldier. In what ways can you serve others in the midst of your own adversity? Do you reach out to families of soldiers who have been wounded or killed? What do you do? How can you show you care?

Chapter Seven: Loneliness

1.      It’s common to feel lonely during deployment, even if you are surrounded by friends and family 24 hours a day. When do you physically feel the most lonely? Is there a certain time of day? A certain event in the day that reminds you of your loneliness? A certain atmosphere? A certain time of year? How do you confront that loneliness? How do you channel it into something positive?

2.      Is it okay to feel lonely during life trials? Why or why not?

3.      For Michelle, the halfway mark of the deployment was very difficult. Which month has been the most difficult for you? Why? Does knowing you are halfway through a deployment make you feel better or worse? How can you change your perspective in order to motivate yourself to keep on keeping on?

Chapter Eight: Preparations

1.      R&R is a sacred time for military couples experiencing deployment. How did you or are you planning to prepare for your spouse’s R&R? Where are you going? What are you doing? What are you doing now to emotionally prepare to see your spouse again? How are you planning now to serve your spouse during that precious two-week period? How can you make the most of your R&R with your spouse?

2.      Michelle spent the month of March physically preparing for her husband’s R&R. How do you mentally prepare for breakthroughs in your trial? How do you view those respite moments — the peaceful times in the midst of tumult that allow you to emotionally breathe for a moment?

3.      If you haven’t yet experienced R&R, what do you expect? Do you have high, realistic or low expectations? Why? What is your ultimate goal for your two weeks with your spouse? If you already enjoyed your R&R, how was it different than you imagined? How was it the same? What advice would you give others preparing for the return of their loved ones?

Chapter Nine: Advent

1.      In April, Michelle and Matt welcome their child into the world. What “advent” or coming event do you have to look forward to, besides R&R? How can you use that bright moment to keep you looking forward instead of behind you?

2.      For Michelle, a baby changed everything, from her routine during deployment to her expectations. What big life events change the way you think and feel about life and the trials you face while your spouse is at war?

3.      If you have children, what is the most difficult part of being a geographically single parent? What challenges do you face on a daily basis that other two-parent couples do not? Has this affected your appreciation for single parents? If so, how can you show single parents you care? How can you love on them like your community loves on you?

4.      If you don’t have children, what is the most difficult part of being apart from your spouse for a long period of time? What is more difficult than you imagined? What is easier? How does your perspective affect both?

Chapter Ten: Chaos

1.      When during deployment have you experienced chaos? Is it preventable when one parent/spouse is away for a year at a time? What do you do to add peace to your life? Where do you find quiet moments?

2.      How can you view life chaos in a positive light? How can you use the nature of chaos to move you to the other side of a trial?

3.      Michelle sometimes deliberately created chaos in her own life to keep it exciting and keep her moving; people on the move don’t have time to wallow in their own pity. What methods do you use to prevent yourself from falling into the pity trap?

4.      What does Memorial Day mean to you? How do you celebrate it? What activities are available in your area on that day? Has the meaning of Memorial Day changed since your family became part of the Army family? How so? How can you make Memorial Day meaningful for yourself and your family?

5.      On Memorial Day of 2006, Matt lost one of his greatest medics to sniper fire in Iraq. Have you or your spouse lost anyone close to you in combat? What happened? How did you handle the loss? Who helped you during that time? How did those caring people make a difference in your life at that time?

6.      On Memorial Day and throughout the year, how can you serve others, like Jeremy Loveless, who are so deservedly honored on that day? How can you serve the families of those who have lost loved ones? How can you use those losses to teach your families and communities about sacrifice and service? How can you use them to teach them about gratitude?

Chapter Eleven: Coping

1.      How do you cope with death? How does your unit cope with combat death? How do you honor the memory of those lost? What can you do to keep that person’s memory an active part of your life?

2.      How can you help families of those who have experienced loss to cope?

3.      As a military spouse, you hold a special relationship with other military families that the civilian community just doesn’t understand. How can you use that understanding to empathize with military families experiencing loss?

Chapter Twelve: Devastation

1.      After 12 months of overcoming the challenges of deployment on the home front, Michelle was notified just 10 days shy of her anticipated reunion with her husband that his unit was being extended in Iraq for four more months. How do you deal with the unexpected and sometimes devastating developments in the middle of deployment? What “extensions” have you been dealt and how did you react to them?

2.      When she heard the news that her husband was being extended in Iraq, Michelle temporarily fell apart. Analyze her reaction to the news. How would you have reacted? How should she have reacted? What can you do to be there for others experiencing extensions in their military units?

3.      Sometimes our trials focus on us. But sometimes, they focus on another person. Michelle’s trial was based around the fact that her husband was facing bigger trials of his own in a war zone in another country. How can we wait “patiently behind the blue-star banner” while our loved ones endure trials? How can we support them from where we stand?

4.      Last year, the Department of Defense extended the standard length of Army deployments from 12 months to 15 months. That left thousands of families in the same situation as Michelle, bracing themselves for an additional three months of deployment when they only expected to face 12. Have you or anyone you know faced those extensions? How did you handle the news? What did you do to help your family prepare for the extended tour? How did you set a positive tone for your children? How can you continue to do that even now?

5.      We serve on the home front because our spouses first said, “I’ll serve.” How can you honor your spouse’s commitment to serve by serving proudly and honorably at home? Does remembering your spouse’s calling help put your own service into perspective?

Chapter Thirteen: Lemonade

1.      Michelle chose to squeeze her life lemons into lemonade by planning Prom at the Pump House and Tea Party with Ellie Kay. How can you make the most of the hand you’ve been dealt? How can you choose joy in the middle of your own “extensions”?

2.      Michelle and her friends created a list of all the positive aspects of the Stryker deployment and extension. What would be on your list of positive aspects of deployment? How can you use those positive aspects to keep yourself looking on the bright side? Create your own list within your deployment support group and post in on your refrigerator as a daily reminder to look on the bright side.

3.      Throughout her 16 months on the home front, Michelle used humor to look on the bright side. She sent Top 10 lists home to her families and documented all her humorous moments in e-mails. How can you choose to see the humor in deployment on the home front? Does being able to laugh at yourself help you?

Chapter Fourteen: Blessings

1.      Michelle and her family were greatly blessed by the community of Fairbanks, Alaska, during deployment. The community and the post offered them motivational speakers, free childcare, free potlucks, free counseling and all the emotional support they could ask for. How has your community been a blessing to you? How has your post been a blessing to you? Have you taken the time to thank them for blessing you in the middle of your trial?

2.      What other blessings do you have in your life? Do you ever take them for granted? How can you be deliberate about being thankful for those blessings? How does your gratitude then shift your perspective?

3.      On page 193, Michelle talks about seeing light all through the tunnel, not just at the end of it. Is this perspective helpful in dealing with deployment? What light shines all through your deployment tunnel, if you are just willing to see it and to choose it?

Chapter Fifteen: Gratitude

1.      What does gratitude mean to you? How do you experience gratitude and show gratitude as a military spouse?

2.      Who are you thankful for in your own life? Who do you need to take time to thank today?

3.      How can you be grateful for your circumstances? How can you be grateful for the people who come into your life because of your circumstances? How can deployment be a blessing?

4.      Who sets an example of gratitude for you? Why is that person so grateful? What is it about his or her gratitude that makes you respect him or her? How can you better emulate that person’s attitude?

Chapter Sixteen: Patriotism

1.      How do you define patriotism? Do you think it is an important value? Why or why not? Has your idea of patriotism changed since joining the military? Why or why not?

2.      Would you consider yourself patriotic? In what ways? How do you display your patriotism? Is it an internal or an external display?

3.      Do you vote? Why or why not? Has your perspective changed since reading Chapter Sixteen?

4.      Why do you think it took Michelle 15 months of deployment and two and a half years as a military life to truly understand patriotism? Was patriotism something you learned gradually or immediately?

5.      How is patriotism linked to gratitude?

6.      How does your community display its patriotism as a show of gratitude for the people who commit to defending and protecting the United States?

Chapter Seventeen: Reunion

1.      Reunion is the ultimate closure to the deployment experience. How do you feel when a trial is over? How do you gain closure for yourself?

2.      What are your expectations regarding your reunion with your spouse? Have you communicated your expectations to your spouse?

3.      What have you done to prepare for a spouse who has been living in a different country for an extended period of time? What can you do when he/she returns home to reintroduce him to American life gradually? What can your family do to ease his transition?

4.      Reunion is almost always joyful, but reintegration can sometimes be difficult. How are you preparing now for reintegration with your spouse? How are you preparing your children? What issues are you addressing now?

5.      How can you welcome home single soldiers in your community who might not be greeted by families and banners?

6.      How can you make your community a welcoming, thankful and loving place for soldiers returning home from war?

Michelle Cuthrell